MS: Optimistic vs. Ignorant

1st wave: No more A for Abul.

I got B for my Chemistry in SPM, while the rest, Alhamdulillah are As. I didn’t know what to feel back then. I didn’t cry, I was totally fine with it. It’s common of me to be optimist. But was I actually being ignorant? I received a scholarship before SPM and had even started my A levels before the result came out. The minimum requirement for SPM was 8As, I barely managed to keep the scholarship.

2nd wave: Failing the UWC interview.

I was one of the selected scholars who went for UWC interview. I believe I didn’t perform well. The situation was a duplicate of what I did when I interviewed for prefect in Form 1. “You don’t seem like you want the position” was what my teacher said back then. I did not prepare well, I did not do any further readings. I missed out a huge chance of a lifetime. I’ll do well in A levels, IB is just not for me. That’s me trying to see the silver lining again.

3rd wave: SATs and the US universities.

I took my SATs twice and failed to break 2000 each time. The universities under my scholarship’s approved list are all Ivys. I applied to lowest three in the list and failed to get admission in any. I sacrificed my A levels, to study for my SATs and to prepare all the essays required. I shouldn’t say I sacrificed, the failure is on me. I failed to manage my time well. I really wanted to go to the US for my undergrad. I told everyone about it. I told everyone how I love their education system. I told everyone how UK’s not for me. Well, maybe US is not for me. Let’s focus on A levels. The optimism level hadn’t change.

4th wave: I even failed my A levels.

University of Edinburgh. It was the first university I got reply from through UCAS. And it turned out to be the only one. However, I applied to two courses and got conditional offer for both. The conditions were the same, A*AA, with A* in Mathematics. Hence, I had both my Firm and Insurance choice from the same university, with the same requirement. I had no back up. I got ABBC. My Math was A- 89%, A* is 90%. My Physics was 78%, Economics 71%. The C came from Further Math. The one I hoped to have scored A. My scholarship minimum requirement is AAA. With that, you could guess yourself what happened for the next wave. You might not be ready for overseas yet. The time will come soon. Tryna be optimist again huh?

I should be in major depression right now. It’s only normal if I’ve cried buckets of tears. But I didn’t. I’m still fine. I feel bad for not feeling bad. I broke people’s hope. My parents’, teachers’, my scholarship provider’s. Even to those who’ve been looking up to me all this while. Who thought that I’m somebody with a great future. I failed everyone, and I felt fine. Ain’t that terrible?

I have followed the flow all this while. I received my scholarship before my SPM. I have not known what it’s like to struggle and fight for scholarships with the rest of the world. I never went through UPU like everybody else. I never had plan B. It has always been easy for me.

What should I feel now when I see snap stories of my friends preparing their Visa, renewing their passport, collecting their financial affidavit? What’s that empty feeling I had, scrolling through IG only to see photos of friends graduating with all As? Facebook and the airport long posts? I sincerely feels left out. I tried to not be involved in group chats. But, as always optimism get the better of me. I am fine. Every clouds have a silver lining. My time is yet to come. I just have to do better next time. 

Am I being strong or ignorant? Am I being optimist or irrelevant? My teacher once said “Embrace your weaknesses, learn to laugh at yourself, only then will you be fine when people make fun of you”. Is this reason I’m being fine all this time? I never cared of others have to say about me. I do what I want to do. That has always been the reason of my successes before. I kept moving on. I’m great when I’m in the limelight. I stand out. I got the attentions. Because I don’t care of what they say. I succeeded. Well, has the optimism changed to ignorance now? How do I prevent that from happening?

With no answers, I moved on. As for now, I’ve applied to other scholarships. I appealed to local universities for admission. My current scholarship has not been officially terminated yet but I shouldn’t wait. I still haven’t cried. I’m still being fine. I still smile. I’m still living. “The time is yet to come,” whisper the optimism left in me.